Deeper Intimacy with Attars

I feel passionately about sharing my discoveries and personal experiences as we continue to go deeper with our attars.

Like many women, I have suffered trauma related to sexual abuse. I have worked hard to heal and integrate these experiences. Yet the lasting effects of trauma continue to have a negative impact on my ability to enjoy intimacy.

Over the years, I learned to protect myself from trauma by dissociating. Dissociation means that my awareness basically leaves my physical body. This happens when the memory of trauma is triggered. One of these triggers is intimacy. Even though I am now in a safe and loving relationship, dissociation still happens involuntarily. What a nuisance and a barrier to our sex life.

We have been experimenting for the last year, using our attars and oils during intimacy. The results have been beyond our wildest expectations.  We wanted to share these with you so you, too, can enjoy intimacy more.

Ruh Khus

We often use Ruh Khus (wild vetiver) essential oil to help us get into the mood and to come fully into our bodies in a safe and nurturing way. Adding 15 drops to half a cup of your favorite massage oil is perfect. It really grounds and embodies and makes a joy to be in the body and feel sensations on our skin. Welcoming ourselves home to our body is absolutely necessary when you have a tendency to dissociate during intimacy. With Ruh Khus you can be fully present to enjoy sex.

It is difficult and frustrating when we want to be close and intimate with our partner and we find ourselves floating above our bodies, i.e. dissociated. Ruh Khus has a deeply earthy pulse with a slightly smoky note, which then leads into a smell of texture. The texture of embodiment, grounded reality and dried, cut wood. Ruh Khus encourages us let go of using the intellect as our armor or castle and to really feel at home in our bodies. It reminds us what it feels like to fully live and be present in our physical bodies. By building a solid, loving relationship with our physical bodies, we begin to feel more confident and centered. Our feelings, thoughts, emotions and interactions are anchored in our flesh and bones.

Tuberose Attar

I recently experienced a real breakthrough in intimacy with Tuberose Attar. What is great about using our precious attars in this way is that a tiny amount suffices. We often just anoint with a micro-dot (a fraction of a drop) below the nose and on both temples. If I really feel I need more, I will hold the bottle to my nose, or use a scent strip. That way I can smell it as we begin to interact intimately.

Tuberose has a long history for its sensual and healing qualities and is native to Mexico. It was taken to India in the 16th century by the Europeans, after the Spanish had acquired it from the Aztecs.

This powerful medicine literally makes us ‘hot.’ It increases blood circulation, helps us relax and stimulates sexual arousal (1). Sometimes it’s referred to as ‘Mistress of the Night’, because it is a night flowering plant. I think the name also suggests how it makes us feel in bed. Its psycho-spiritual effects are very powerful, too. It helps me strip away anxiety and get to the core of myself. It enables me to share the deepest parts of myself. My mind relaxes and I can enjoy my body.

For those people who climax rapidly (prematurely) due to not being fully able to feel and savor the physical experience, we have found Tuberose remediates this problem. It makes our vessel stronger and capable of fully holding and working with powerful sexual energy so that we can savor the build-up and a long drawn out orgasm.


For our personal lubricant, we have also been experimenting with Patchouli essential oil. Florian, like many, has never liked patchouli, only knowing the low quality patchouli oil that was available years ago. However, our Patchouli essential oil has allowed us overcome this dislike and revealed the powerful magic of patchouli for intimacy. It seems to pull the energy downwards along the spine, grounding us in the joyous sensuality of being in our bodies. It connects us to the earth and to its rhythm. At the same time it has a very commanding presence. It definitely adds to the awakened sense of sensuality that the tuberose brings on.

Carrier Oils

The two main carrier oils we recommend for a gentle and effective personal/intimate lubricant are coconut oil (¼ cup) and aloe vera (1/4 cup). Aloe vera is cooling, emollient and moisturizing. Coconut oil is very moisturizing and long-lasting and also anti-fungal, antibacterial and anti-microbial. And it smells good. We then add 15 drops of one oil or a blend of several oils to ½ cup of carrier oil. (Oil-based lubricants should not be used with latex condoms, since oils dissolve latex.)

Other Allies

Besides the above oils and attars we have found others that help get into our bodies and in the mood. Jasmine Sambac attar oozes sensuality and sexuality. It lifts the mood and helps build confidence – a powerful aphrodisiac. Our Rose attar works on multiple levels of our being –  spiritual, mental, emotional and physical. It opens the heart, helping to break down the barriers that stand in the way of connecting with our partners. Our Sandalwood essential oil is warming, sweet, woody and spicy.  It reminds me of a man’s natural body odor, subtly stimulating a deeply erotic response.

I am thoroughly enjoying our deeper exploration of the oils and attars we have chosen from our supplier in India. As I do so, I can’t help reflecting upon the important role they have played for thousands of years helping us to connect to each other. No wonder these precious scents are so highly esteemed.